guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
So I have to ask... did I meet your lumberjack expectations? I mean, minus the red flannel and all.
It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
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