my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
THE HALLOWEEN QUEST WILL BE PICS OF US IN OUR COSTUMES IN EXCHANGE FOR DICK PICS. IT HAS BEEN DECIDED.
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
Randomize
