Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
the room spins SO much faster in panama
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
I don't remember anything from last night, but at track I found my thong next to the high jump pit... So it must has been decent
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
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