i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
I don`t remember Saturday, actually
Its ok, i dont remember 2007
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
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