Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
so we'll all just be running around naked, basically. and high.
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
I'm pretty sure I have enough material at this point to start a blog called Guys I've Banged in Pictures together. Why does this keep happening to me!
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
Randomize
