Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
i just woke up and its 10 o'clock and the words "Robbies Fave Restraunt" and written in sharpie above my vage. Help me.
Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
In other news, I just burned my penis
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
Randomize
