I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
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