put your party hat on. and by party hat I mean no panties
btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
I have surprise drugs for everyone
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
Randomize