i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
Randomize
