I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
Do you recall us playing flip cup on your head?
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
the story is to long to tell you via txt so when you notice the tattoo on your ass call me.
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
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