Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
asked the girl next to us on line to take a picture of us and she shared her bacardi. i love white people.
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
its Niagara falls. its like international waters. You can get away with anything there
Randomize
