I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
she always winds up in the cupboards its nothing new.
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
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