Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
So much easier to puke and rally now that my gluten's under control
we are the apple cider girls!
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
Randomize
