I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
So at this point...I'm sure you heard the story about Saturday night
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
Just took adderall with about half a bottle of red wine...i have stopped trying for this last exam
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
Randomize
