I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
Randomize
