I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
He said something pertaining to Ragu and vodka I'm worried
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
this year we will have multiple halloween identities. lesbian couple meets brian and stewie
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
It's dollar drink night and I have my honors society initiation tomorrow. Somehow I think this will not end well.
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
Randomize
