Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
As soon as I saw the video camera and red light on, I started rolling my eyes when he would put it in me and telling him maybe his dick was too small cause I didn't feel anything...trust me that tape is going nowhere
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
And then the night went full on bisexual.
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
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