You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
just a question.. totally understand if you dont know what im talking about.. but.. do you have my funnel? i think i tucked it in to your bed last night.
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
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