dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
