and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
Alls I remember is making out with that chick.
Nope that was a dude
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
