Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
All of the hungover. I've changed not showered but can't quite make it to the booze.
WE'RE IN THE RED ZONE PLAY THRU THE PAIN
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
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