I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
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