i threw up in a trash can last night at kellys irish times. but in a trash can because i'm a lady
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
You left your phone here
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