when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
Its only.eleven and we are already chasing a man on a bike with a bag full of burger king
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
Clothing is a burden necessitated by propriety.
I party with great urgency now.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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