When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
It's like a parade of train wrecks.
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
Did he make you just lay your head next to his cock and talk to it again?
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
Randomize
