I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
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