textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
should i go to class, or party with a mariachi band?
meriachi band is very tempting, do they have dos equis?
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
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