I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
I believe I convinced two girls to makeout for freedom last night Hahaha
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
Don't worry, I'm taking the best gay radar in the World, my sister's boobs. All guy who is not looking at them, it's fair play for us.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
Randomize
