I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
Randomize
