my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
oh but the power of the cock will take you to places you never been..i flew to hawaii once to sleep witha chick
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
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