I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
Pregaming class all semester has made this final review session more like my introduction to the topic.
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
ttyl tear gas
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
he would NOT stop making out with my stomach! creeeeeepy
Randomize
