Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
this guy had a colored tattoo of Chucky on his leg, whatever drugs he does, i want them
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
Randomize
