p.s. this guy just tipped me with ecstasy pills. is this real life
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
I don't fucking care about the convenience of not having freudian slips. I spent 2009-2011 screwing around with 3 different Daniels. 2012 WILL be the dawn of a new day
How about a mike?
Already had two of those
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
Randomize
