sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
No. I was horrified and confused as to why you thought scrambled eggs and cottage cheese was a good mix
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
If life deals in absolutes, the in betweens are the most hairy.... Fortune cookie wisdom from a stoned Megan.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
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