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Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
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