Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
I need to calm my uterus...
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
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