its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
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