R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
Randomize