So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
idk he wanted to trade sex for a triple order of hashbrowns
AND YOU SAID NO?????????
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
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