Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
he just exposed your dildo usage to the table.
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
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