God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
When / where did the additional couches appear?
Additional?
James brought one with him when he showed up. Theres still 2 outside and according to facebook, at least one more burned up.
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
She's not a foreskin expert like you
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
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