dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
Randomize
