I just ate 10 fun sized 3 musakteers.. I'm pretty sure I'm about to start my period.
Talk to you next week
Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
We were suposed to have a 3some in their bathroom but it just turned into us 2 making out while he watched like a little kid on christmas morning
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
Randomize