I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
Well when you get back to your computer, there's a nice explanation of pansexuality on your Skype.
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
Randomize
