she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
A friday night jus isn't the same if the cops don't raid my dorm
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
i agree, on both the sex thing and the unrepentant bastard thing
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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