i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
Randomize