My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
I just punched cris angel in the balls. I have photos.
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
so i ran into nick. i may be more gay than anticipated
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
Randomize
