ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
will power is for people who don't want to get laid
i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
Randomize
