Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
well shes beginning to earn a reputation as "the girl who tries to bone her hook ups in the ass with a pickle"
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
I did not marry a roomba.
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