How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
just go where the car takes you. fingers crossed its here with breakfast.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
woke up in your bed at 6 AM. on my way home I passed Nathan, bloody, barefoot, and still in a toga. He told me he woke up in a ditch then kept repeating "I'm totally bringing this up at meeting tomorrow". I'm proud of your frat today
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
Is this a Beer, Vodka or Whiskey kind of problem solving night? It's imperative I stock accordingly.
Questions like that are why I love you.
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
Randomize