Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
Why would he get rid of a girl with no gag reflex? I don't get it.
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
You paid at the door and they gave you a straw for the kiddie pool full of booze.
After a bit there were two girls who got naked and liquor wrestled. I don't think it was planned.
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Randomize
