one word: firstdatebathroomanal
@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
Reading in my econ of energy textbook about the US' largest oil spill from the 1990's.. guess i can't sell this one back either
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
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