I feel like ignoring a facebook event is a lot like a pocket-veto. The only difference is instead of opposing legislation, I don't want to go to your sketchy party.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
Randomize
