I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
some kid came into the principals office and tried to explain what he was sent there for through interpretive dance.
Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
I don't remember where I was but I remembered that I hated everyone there
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
Randomize
