i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
Okay. thanks for sacraficing your body and risking aids for our snowcone business.
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
if youre gonna throw up it might as well taste like christmas :S
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement 😭😂
we started drinking at 4pm, somehows its 1 am im in bathing suit running from the cops.....any explanation of what happened?
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
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