she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
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