the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
Once again I let my vagina make the decisions...that and vodka :(
Randomize
