Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
help me choose which girl to send myself boning to my girlfriend to make her want to break up
which one looks the most like her?
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
Randomize
