Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
we had to follow your trail of clothes to find you.......
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
Randomize