dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
sometimes i wish i could find another girl that loves my dick as much as she does
i feel like she has dreams of it being like a person saying hey lets go play
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Randomize
