based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
he's just a really huge penis that sells weed
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
Dougie got over his pride nerves. Found him dancing on a float wearing nothing but rainbow boxers.
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
