If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
He's in the same dorm as me. We are sharing a laundry room, gym, and cafeteria. I'VE ALREADY COMMITTED DORMCEST AND MOVE-IN DAY ISN'T UNTILL NEXT WEEK!!!!
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
Like he was cock blocking and it usually takes ten cocks to block this cock
How naked do you want me to be?
Randomize
