I'm going to rape someone's good day.
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Randomize
