I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
she kept yelling 'call me bella'
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
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