alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
sarcasm needs its own font
I say we get drunk before the exam tomorrow. At least then we have a valid excuse for failing.
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
Randomize
