The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
Randomize
