I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
there is no way i'm buying plan b and condoms at the same time
no do it! it shows that you acknowledge your mistakes and you are proactively working towards a solution.
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
i just remember pinky promising you guys to take care of him.
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
Randomize
